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How Faith Factored Into My Mental Illness Struggles
I used to hate God because He didn’t kill me; now, things are different
Note: All opinions in this article about the existence and characteristics of God are my own. They are not intended to hurt anyone’s religious sentiments, and I sincerely apologize if they do.
It’s fair to say India is a highly religious country. Even I’m constantly surprised by just how much. This used to bother me. I used to be snide and sarcastic (often disrespectful) whenever discussing God. But that was because I was still bitter toward Him.
In my teens, I was in a dark place. Constant depression, anxiety, and crippling panic attacks left me wanting to die. I was suicidal for years. But I couldn’t kill myself, because my mother would crumble without me. The guilt itself would end her if (in her mind) she failed to keep her son happy and alive. But if something were to happen to me independent of anyone’s control…
When I went to bed every night, I prayed for Him to kill me in my sleep. I couldn’t take it anymore. And every time I woke up in the morning, still alive, I slipped even deeper into despair. You’re supposed to be merciful, I wept. Can’t you see I can’t take it anymore? Why won’t you kill me?
